Stop Blaming the Parents: A Hard Truth About Youth Decisions

The second day of school, and already the headlines read: “Student arrested for bringing a loaded handgun to school.” Disturbing, yes. But almost as disturbing is the predictable response I see every time something like this happens:

“Hold the parents accountable.” “They must have had a poor upbringing.” “Where were the parents?”

Let me say this plainly: I am exhausted by this narrative.

As a mother who has raised children, some of whom have made bad decisions, I can tell you—every poor choice my children made was not because of me. Every mistake I made in my own youth was not because of my parents. And I know I am not alone.

Peer pressure is real. Social influence is real. The desire to belong, to look tough, to avoid ridicule, to survive in environments where violence is normalized—all of these are factors that parents cannot always control.

Does parenting matter? Of course it does. Guidance, structure, love, and discipline matter. But let’s stop pretending that every outcome—especially when it comes to teenagers—is a direct reflection of the home.

I know devoted parents whose children got caught up in drugs or crime. I know neglectful parents whose children grew up to be strong, successful leaders. Human behavior isn’t as simple as pointing a finger at “Mom and Dad.”

Every time we blame parents, we erase the complexity of what’s really happening:

• Communities under pressure with few resources.

• Schools stretched thin with counselors who carry caseloads too heavy to allow meaningful intervention.

• Peer influence amplified by social media and neighborhood survival codes.

• Mental health struggles that go undetected or untreated.

So when we default to blaming the parents, we not only demonize mothers and fathers who are already hurting, but we also absolve the systems that are failing our children.

The truth is this: accountability belongs to the one who made the choice. We can hold that truth while still building stronger families, safer schools, and healthier communities.

I’m tired of the finger-pointing. It’s time to have the harder conversation.

The truth is this: accountability belongs to the one who made the choice. We can hold that truth while still building stronger families, safer schools, and healthier communities.

So let’s stop finger-pointing long enough to start building solutions together. Parents, educators, community leaders, faith voices, and yes—young people themselves—need to come to the same table. Not to assign blame, but to create strategies. Strategies that address peer pressure, provide safe outlets, strengthen mental health resources, and equip children to make better choices in the moment.

Because if we truly want change, it won’t come from shaming parents. It will come from all of us rising to the challenge of raising a generation together.